Three years on
In May 2022 I was in a hole. It was a big, dark, lonely one full of anger and despair. Things couldn’t have been any worse, a serious breakdown led to me being sectioned, I felt abandoned and alone and there was little point to living. I’ve written about the experiences HERE. Did I ever think I’d be where I am today, absolutely not.
The other day Oriana, my partner asked what I thought about the anniversary of my breakdown and was I OK. My response was simply that I hadn’t thought about it until she mentioned it. Obviously that was very tongue in cheek, all I really meant was that it doesn’t affect me anymore, I’m not triggered when I think about it. That’s progress enough in itself but the change in me in the last year has been nothing short of monumental I recently wrote THE REBRAND after people started talking about the changes they’ve seen. The changes are real, for a while I tried to put a mask on in public and pretended I was OK, I’d moved on but in all honesty I still felt like it was just a show, I wasn’t really able to express myself and I couldn’t really say I was able to let go or express any real joy. I was still very emotionless behind it all. I’d hide a bit behind the sarcasm and perceived arrogance to create a barrier or boundaries to “protect” myself, it enabled me to feel settled and comfortable, it was a start a step in the right direction.
I’ve written loads about not being able to talk about positive experiences, I often think that people are only attracted to the misery, the darkness and maybe sometimes that’s all some folks can relate to. My most “successful” posts have been when I was at my worst, I was at my most “productive” when I was struggling and people seemed to thrive on it. The more I spoke about my problems the more attention ASCND and I got, people, brands, the social media noise, I and those around me thrived on it. Only now do I see how toxic it all was.
So where am I today?
I can’t quite believe some of the changes, I know and had hoped I’d have the capacity to be stable and healthy, physically and mentally but I’ve come so much further. I’m more sociable and comfortable around people, I’m able to express myself when things are going well and able to accept praise, I smile and it’s natural and as you can see I can write positively. Perviously I would always have an eye over my shoulder looking and waiting for things to come crashing down, sometimes I still think that this can’t last but I’m happy to accept my current state and enjoy it.
The things that used to trigger me don’t have the power they used to, the fact that I hadn’t really thought about this “anniversary” or riding over Tower Bridge every day have little or no impact are signs that I’ve moved on.
I don’t need to forget the past, I wouldn’t feel this good today or “normal” if I didn’t have those experiences. I don’t feel the need to celebrate still being here but it is really, and I mean really fucking nice that other people recognise the changes in me.
Next up CNTL ASCND DEL V3 - my annual headspace escape 800 km bike packing through Provence and the Maritime Alps and fingers crossed back to the Col de la Bonette.
Useful Links
Globally, every minute, a man dies by suicide. In the United Kingdom, 75% of suicides are men.
Worried about a friend or relative SPOT THE SIGNS
Provides information on services available for anyone concerned with mental health problems.
Provides information and support to make sure no-one has to face a mental health problem alone through a infoline and text service.
Seeks to prevent male suicide offering support to men in the UK, of any age, who are down or in crisis via their helpline and website.
The New Normal is a project connecting young adults to help and support one another through life’s difficult moments.
Samaritans is a registered charity aimed at providing emotional support to anyone in emotional distress, struggling to cope, or at risk of suicide throughout the United Kingdom and Ireland.
EMERGENCY CONTACT INFORMATION
To speak with someone immediately, contact Samaritans on 116 123.
If life is in danger, call 999 or go directly to emergency services.
