Journal
Q36.5 Winter Cycling Kit Review: What I Actually Ride In
A no-nonsense personal review of Q36.5 cycling kit for autumn, winter and spring riding. From the Gregarius Winter Jacket to the Dottore Hybrid range and Termico bibs — find out why this Italian cycling brand is the only kit worth wearing when the weather turns, and why fewer, smarter layers always wins.
Trying to not be me
A raw, personal journal on grief, resilience, parenting through cancer, and trying to hold it together when everything feels like it’s falling apart.
Powered by KXNGS
The Road to Respair podcast has always been about more than just cycling. It’s about the process rebuilding, improving, and pushing forward when things get hard.
But behind the scenes, creating content, maintaining the ASCND platform, and producing the podcast comes at a cost. Time, energy, and resources all add up and as ASCND continues to grow from a side hustle into something bigger, sustainability matters.
That’s where this partnership comes in.
The ASCND Road to Respair podcast is now Powered by KXNGS.
Jacob Crossley
The cycling community gave me something I’m still not sure I can fully explain. It made me feel seen in a way I hadn’t before. It made effort feel joyful again. It reminded me that transformation doesn’t happen in a moment.
VAN RYSEL EDR CF ULTRA
"All Road is Dead, Long Live All Road": Introducing the VAN RYSEL EDR CF ULTRA. Skeptical of the 'all-road' trend? A former cynic finds freedom in the new Van Rysel EDR CF Ultra. Lightweight carbon (830g frame), 38 mm tire clearance, and mudguard mounts. Is this the ultimate endurance and bike packing road bike for 70/30 road/off-road riding?
World Mental Health Day 2025
From skepticism to celebration: Read my journey of surviving mental illness, stepping away from the spotlight, and finding a quiet, healthier path forward. Join our World Mental Health Day ride
From Misery to Peace: Why I Chose Healing Over Performing
A raw reflection on healing, social media validation, and why peace deserves as much space as pain. Choosing joy—quietly, honestly, fully.
VAN RYSEL RCR PRO - One year on
One year with the Van Rysel RCR Pro! Discover why this carbon road bike turned a cynic into a climbing machine and even handled an unexpected bikepacking adventure. Read my full review
CTRL ASCND DEL .3
From pampered guide to budget bike packer? This diva traded Michelin stars for questionable weather and five-star hotels for… well, not five-star hotels. Join this reluctant adventurer as I escape the noise on a solo CNTRL ALT DEL tour. All in the name of mental space and a hard reset. This year? The mighty Col de la Bonette awaits, hopefully without the snow.
Three years on
A transformation even I find hard to believe.
London - Roubaix
What Cycling means to me. This trip delivered it all.
THE REBRAND
A change is afoot. Lately, I've been experiencing emotions I haven't felt in a long time – some of them have even been good. Over the last decade or so, I've readily discussed the lows, the anger, the despair, but rarely spoken of any highs. Even when I've been okay, I've only ever really acknowledged just that: I'm okay.
VAN RYSEL RCR-F
Introducing the Van Rysel RCR-F, an aerodynamic bike designed for speed and efficiency. Discover how this race-ready bike performs and why it's shaking up the cycling world
My Personal Experience with Q36.5: A Journey of Trust and Innovation
My journey with Q36.5 began in October 2014, just a year after the brand’s inception. I was introduced to the brand by none other than Luigi Bergamo himself. The very next day, I had the chance to test the kit while riding the legendary Passo dello Stelvio.
EARN THE CONTRAST
The highs feel so much higher after the lows
Movember 2024
The return of the MO
A comeback of sorts
I guess you could call this a comeback.
La Ferme des Bélugues
The Escape - a place of kindness in the shadow of an icon.
the Ctrl alt dlt tour
Girona - Pyrenees - Girona. A chance to reset and recharge.
suppression
Advice from the U.S. Department of the Interior about wildfires and how I apply it to my mental health.
Comparison: The Thief of Joy.
It's January, a new year. That time of year where we look forward, set new goals and try to improve ourselves. Why?
New year new me - Yeah right!
No New Years resolution just the hope that this good run continues into 2024 and beyond.
Manson was right all along.
The subtle art of not giving a fuck and how I subconsciously adopted his lessons.
Rainbows and unicorns - progress
Heading into Autumn 2023 and it’s safe to say that I don’t have a lot to say. It may sound weird and I’m about to massively contradict myself by writing this but to me that’s a sign I’m in a good place.
Don’t call it a comeback
Currently I’m in a good place and I feel like I have control over my illness as opposed to the other way around.I was diagnosed bi-polar and not that I needed a label. It's definitely explained a lot.
Signing off
It saddens me to admit this but I can’t take it anymore. If you read my previous two entries you’ll notice a difference. The tone, the anger then the more considered. I’m writing this as I sit in the North Terminal at Gatwick Airport, I’m holding back the tears as I don’t want to cry in public. I shouldn’t be feeling like this.
Out of the darkness
It seems fitting to journal my progress, a better filter might be needed sometimes but talking about mental health should’t be all rainbows, unicorns and sparkles, it’s hard and unsettling to hear sometimes, but this journal is the whole reason I set ASCND up in the first place.
Loneliness
The theme for Mental Health Awareness Week 2022
Richard Curtis - Time matters
I will wake up every single day for the rest of my life and take a minute to check I can feel all my limbs, fingers and toes. Once I know I’m ok, I begin my day.
There is a real possibility that one day I will wake up and the outcome will be different. I can’t control this. I can’t plan for it. I can’t anticipate it. My body is a prisoner of my own brain.
My road to respair
Girona was supposed to be an escape, a chance to reset, get back to what I love, travelling and guiding and maybe I’m just pissed off and tired but my behaviour tells me otherwise. I’ve been here before.
CELEBRATING A NEW BEGINNING
My eating disorder has secretly made me feel a bit more in control when feeling too exposed or when preparing for events where I might feel exposed. It has made me set clear goals, which could make me relax and plan ahead. .
ASCND Goes global
The day we took to the road to inspire meaningful conversations in multiple countries and countless riders. Proud doesn’t even come close.
The art of conversation and taking control of your mental health
I found, very regularly, that my behaviour would worsen very quickly. I would become distant and when challenged I would be verbally abusive as I was unable to communicate my true feelings and emotions. This comes from having never been taught how to express myself.
Paul Dowker
So many times, in the past I’ve simply carried on regardless. Put on the ‘brave face’, a smile and ‘rolled up my sleeves’. It is and was so draining to continue to do that.
Duke - Am i going crazy
Understanding that in every future day exists a new lesson/new path to be found. I have also learnt that progress is seldomly linearWhatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
Grief, the New Year and Actively Coping
I let the water rush over my face, let the sadness do the same and just stand there for 10, 15, 20 minutes. I find it’s the only time in a day that it’s just me with my thoughts.Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
probably Not someone like me
I'm not a psychologist, a therapist, I don't work "in mental health" and I don't have any more insight than the next person with their own very personal experiences with anxiety and depression. I have an ostensibly unlikely, but apparently very common, tale to tell.
Jim Clarkson - on the horizon
The things you consume, whether it's visually, orally or audibly all influence and make and inform your thinking. Filter it, some of it is ok, some of it is poison and some is pure tonic. Discerning them is the ongoing balancing trick.
Ben May - A Journey of Unlearning
Unlearning for me is about letting go of all that you were and finding the purest form of yourself. The most empathetic and willing self. The one that wants to help, to listen and to heal.
I FEEL LIKE A FRAUD
The conflict between what I want to do and how I feel.
a letter from joel
One year, 36,500km with an average of 100km per day.
Lars erik lund
Through 25 years of work, it has been my perception that it is absolutely not appropriate to show emotion or be open about mental issues. It does not look good on your CV. I have thought that talking about one's own mental health is taboo, especially at work, but also among friends. That you should, as far as possible, separate private feelings from the professional, and that the best medicine for such negative thoughts is to swallow a big spoonful of "Pull-Yourself-Together" and bury your feelings until you are once again alone with your thoughts
Mind fart
Why is exiting lockdown harder than entering it?
postcard from norfolk
Mark Ashby My postcard from Norwich with associated crew of cyclists is a tale of pleasure about being back amongst the group ride. It’s been a strange past 6 months on the bike, solo outings and local loops in 2’s have been massively valued. Essential social riding with a ‘ride partner’ kept me on a level both fitness wise and mentally.
Progress
A year ago my life was at an impasse. I needed to decide between altering the way I had lived my life thus far or to give up and end my life.
Duke
Hey, my name is Duke A and I suffer from depression and anxiety. I also do alot of other things such as: writing poetry, riding and racing bicycles, fixing bicycles, modelling and playing basketball. You're probably wondering why I'm mentioning these things? I mention them because they are all apart of who I am, however they do not define me.
Then and now
Over the last five years I’ve struggled to find any balance in my life. I’ve often talked about trying to find happiness but I’ve never really understood what that means, I’ve had this unrealistic vision of a constant feeling of bliss and joy and wondered why I can't achieve it. I’ve since learned that happiness isn’t a constant it comes and goes and now I’m OK with that.
Loneliness and friendship
Most of my life I have been surrounded by people. It has always been easy for me to make new friends and I have always had plenty of friends. Some might even say that I was popular. Nevertheless I have felt alone for the majority of my life.
The Road to respair. My Meaningful miles.
The reason I'm doing this is a very personal one. In 2017 I reached a crisis point and couldn't see a way out. It culminated in two suicide attempts. I had isolated myself and tried to battle through on my own, it didn't work. I'm worried we'll see an increase in mental health issues and a rise suicides over the next few months. Shorter days, winter weather and feelings of isolation and despair.
Community. Jordan Addsion
"The person that walks through our door is more valuable than the money they are going to spend."
When planning and preparing to open the doors of G!RO back in 2013, this mantra was the heartbeat behind everything, and is central to the core of who we are and why we exist.
nick Frendo
The drive behind this project is born out of Nick’s own battle with his own mental health. It’s been a near-lifelong struggle for Nick and has resulted in two attempts to take his own life. The Nick Frendo that has come out of that experience is a stronger, more open Nick Frendo, and one that wants to share his experience to help others.
Jim Clarkson
I’ve known Nick for a while, we rode bikes together at various points, and he’s the sort of guy who unexpectedly offers to drive you to North Wales whilst you guide a group of mountain bikers round the hills, and he acts as support vehicle and an extra pair of hands to entertain the riders whilst I cooked or prepped for the next day.
He’s a quiet, some might say insular, or reflective sort. He’d say something else, he’d say something rude about himself. So would I at times, because we can say that about each other.